Why "run Tini run"

Throughout my entire life, I have been known as "Tini." At only 4'11 the name comes naturally, and being that my given name is Christina, it just stuck. I have also spent my life running. I began running, the sport, in middle school as a way to "run" from my weight. Being UTalian, food is a large part of my life, and unfortunately so is my constant struggle with the scale. I began cross country officially in high school, and fell in love with the sport, quickly adopting the slogan " my sport is your sport's punishment." I was proud to run, and proud of how I looked. However, I constantly heard the voice in the back of my mind edging me to be skinnier. My current weight was never enough. In college, my weight really bgan to spiral out of control. The freshman 15 quickly became the freshman 30, and my self esteem plummeted as the numbers on the scale rose. By Christmas of my freshman year I weighed 170 pounds, the highest I had ever weighed, and unfortunately, I have maxed out that number at the present time. Partially, I blame the 24 hour dining hall service, but there were other forces at work here. At this point in my life I was still running, but in a different way now. I was no longer physically running, as seen by the increasing larger numbers on the scale, but rather mentally running away from the past. My first weekend as a freshman, I dealt with a horrific tragedy. I felt that in some way this had been my fault, and that if I told anyone I would be punished. So, for the next year of my life I kept this a secret from everyone, including my parents, and rather ran away from this "guilt" with the help of food. I'm not entirely sure how I survived first semester. I acted happy, but on the inside I was hating myself with every fiber of my being. I didn't make the friends that most people talk about. I fact, I rarely came out of my room except to eat and go to class. I poured myself into my studies, and spent all my money on food or clothing that I never wore. I thought that if I dressed expensively, that I would simply blend into the background. The summer after freshman year, I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and deemed "obese" by the BMI. This felt like the final blow in a series of heartaches. Not only was I fat, dealing with an unthinkable situation by myself, and broke due to the excessive spending, but now I had a medical condition. Thus, I began to "run" again. I remember sitting in my dorm room, finishing off the last of a pint of snickers ice cream and feeling entirely disgusted with myself. At that point, I got up, walked into the furthest bathroom stall, and stuck my finger down my throat. The feeling of throwing up was literally a freeing feeling for me. It was the first time I had felt incontrol of my life in the past year, and thus my next "race" had begun. I spent the next 5 months alternatively starving myself and binging and purging on a regular basis. I would eat less than 200 calories on some days, and in excess of 6,000 on others. I spent over 2 hours in the gym each and every day, and slowly the pounds fell off. With each pound lost, I felt my confidence grow, and by December of my sophomore year, I weighed 110 pounds. However, I still saw myself as "fat." I didn't realize how unhealthy I was, or that I had a problem. That Christmas, I finally told my family about what had happened to me that first week of freshman year, but I now had a new secret. I remember worrying about how I would purge when I was at home, and feeling relief when I returned to school. I had been running for so long now, that I didn't know how to stop. By the summer after sophomore year, double zero pants were too big for me, and I had to have a bridesmaids dress taken in that was a size 2. I was at the height of my eating disorder, and still in denial of the fact that I was running away from my insecurities. It took the courage of a loved one to call me out and convince me to get help. At first, I was so angry that they had told my secret to my parents, but now I can't thank them enought for beginning my healing. I began seeing a counselor and finally facing all the demons that had been hiding in my closet for so long. Now, I can say with confidence that I can talks about all of these events objectively, without letting them place value onto myself. In my healing however, I developed an aversion to exercise, since it was such an intense part of my life for so long. I had lost weight, but did not do so in a healthy way. In the past 3 years since I began my recovery, I have gained back up to 175 pounds which is where I am currently as I sit and write this blog. I realize now, that this was not entierly avoidable, as I never really learned how to be health. I had just discovered how to lose weight. Thus, I am returning to my roots, running. They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stop, and I am taking that step today. I am beginning on a weight loss journey that will hopefully not only help me get my weight and diet under control, but also discover a new way of thinking and living. I am deciding to run again. But this time, I will be running towards my future, which will be one of joy and self acceptance. This is not to say that this road will be easy, nor that I won't be challenged by my past habits. However, I am saying that for the first time in a long time that I will be running towards a goal rather than running away from a memory.